Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Dear Mr. Postman

Dear UPS Man,

Please... Go on without me.
I can't stand the idea of you seeing me like this, so strung out and lost, waiting for you. Only you. I'm sorry, I have no intention of making you feel bad. After all, I started this whole thing. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when we entered into this arrangement. I knew you had other... obligations, responsibilities to which you needed to see. I knew, but recklessly I heeded none of the warnings. And no I am paying for it. Paying dearly. 

You said that you would come by today. You said you would, but the day is drawing to a close and you have not appeared. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to demand an explanation, and I don't want to whine. That's not me. But maybe that's just it. Maybe I have become someone who I am not. I have been waiting for you all day and it feels like an eternity. At first I would just glance at the clock, anxious, excited but playing it cool. But then the hours stretched out and I began to look longingly towards the door. And now? Now I wander around the house aimlessly. I can't get myself interested in anything anymore except listening for your knock. It's all I can do to not sit and stare at the door, just waiting, waiting for you to come. Every footfall that echos desolately just outside my door, I think it's you. Every truck breaking out on the road, I think it's yours. I eagerly rush to the balcony to look down, my hear jumps at the thought of seeing you walk up the stairs. And always, once again, I am crushed, disappointed, and saddened. My neighbors walking by all give me pitying glances. I don't care. I hate myself this way. I hate it. I hate to admit how desperate I am. It's gotten so bad. So very bad. I've gotten so desperate (and I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit this) that I've started asking around to see if anyone in the building has seen you today. They all shake their heads and pity me as I turn away, dejected. Oh, you should see the pity in their eyes. Is there anything so unintentionally cruel as pity?

But you, you are not cruel. I just know you would never intentionally do this to me. Maybe you did come by. Maybe you did and I missed you. Did you? Did you come by? Did I somehow miss you? I must have. How could I have missed you? I have thought of very little else for these long hours I feel like there's no way I possibly could have. Did you knock and somehow I didn't hear? You must have. You must have come by. It's so late and you wouldn't do this to me, you just wouldn't. You must have come and gone, though I'll never know how I might have missed you. You left no note, usually you leave a note. You always leave a note. Only the heartless wouldn't leave a note. Unless of course you did leave a note and by some cruel twist of fate it was caught by the wind and borne away from me. And I am left here, desolate and alone, questioning everything.

Maybe I got the day wrong. Yes, that must be it. I must have gotten the day wrong. You must have promised to come tomorrow, not today. You must have promised that. Not today, some other day. That must be it. Tomorrow is but a few hours away... Perhaps my hope will bloom with the morning sun. 
But no. No. I musn't be naive. I know it was to be today. I poured over our every previous communication and I know I was not mistaken. Today was the day. You are just not here. 

I waited. I waited longer than I should have. The sun has long gone and even the last lingering glow of the liquid gold of the sunset has melted into the cool blue of night. The hours have dwindled along with the last shreds of that hope that I clung to. This must end. I can't do this anymore. Believe me, everything that we have... had... I hold dear. The golden days of our past and the carefree nature of those early times - the promise of new things, the lengthy letters we sent each other, the anticipation - all those moments will always be dear to me. But I can't do this any longer.

We've always known, you and I, that we are from different places. I knew, I knew when we started. But as time goes by I find that not knowing where you are is gnawing away at me. I am no longer the girl I used to be. I hate to see myself this way and, for me, no, for both of us, I just can't let myself go on like this. I've become a shadow of my former self. Lonely and sad. Desperate. God I hate being desperate.

And so that is why I'm going to have to leave. I have to. I have to leave. I just can't wait any longer. I just can't. I'm so sorry. But I know you'll get on without me. You will. I know you'll move on to bigger and better things. I've always known that you would. So go. Please. Go and be great. Go and know that I only have kind thoughts towards you. I wish you only the best; more than the best even. I wish you all the good in the world and I wish you godspeed in your travels.

But please, if you could, do me one little favor. For me and for all that we had if you could just do me this small favor. Please come back tomorrow because I really need my replacement phone.

Thank you.